Moving On
by GunShotResidue
Summary: Set during "All In Family" but not quite the same. They found them, they operated and they are both alive... at least for now. Everything goes on as usual in the ER, however, it's a whole different story for two patientes in the ICU. Work In Progress.
1. Chapter 1

The last thing he saw before loosing consciousness was Lucy laying on a gurney in the trauma room on his left; he also remembered how everything smelled like iron and the warm, sticky feeling of blood on his back. Then, everything started going black and silent, so silent, he closed his eyes, after that he couldn't remember anything else.

When John Carter opened his eyes he knew exactly where he was. Taking a deep breath, he looked left but only found an empty wall, he looked right and found a window; it was pitch dark outside. As he carefully reached for the call button, the door opened and Dr. Peter Benton stepped in.

"About time you woke up, Carter" – he greeted as he took his chart and wrote something down, probably the time. – "You've been out for almost a day. From 1 to 10, how bad is the pain?"

"Six" – Carter lied, his voice deep and weary, he needed some water.

"From 1 to 10, how bad is the pain?" – Dr. Benton asked again, there was no fooling that man.

"How is…" – Carter choked, he blamed the dryness in his throat – "How is Lucy?"

Peter Benton was not a man who avoided questions, he took the bull by the horns, he cut down to the chase, he was straightforward and honest; yet, he couldn't bring himself to tell Carter the truth. The truth was that he looked terrible but she looked worst, that he had lost a lot of blood but she had lost even more blood, that he had laid in the floor besides her but she had laid there longer, unattended, scared. The truth was that doctor Romano had operated on her for hours; that doctor Corday had given up on her but for god knows what reason, Robert Romano had refused to give up and they had brought her back, at least partially. Lucy Knight was across the hall, five doors down, unconscious and on a respirator.

"She's stable." – Dr. Benton checked his former intern's signs and served him a cup of water – "You look terrible, Carter."

"Getting stabbed can do that to a man" – John replied after taking a long sip, everything hurt, breathing hurt and he was tired, so tired.

"You know that it's procedure to send a psychiatrist after this kind of things, so lets get this over with, ok? After that I'll make sure someone gives you some more pain medicine."

"Can I see her?" – Carter asked

"Not yet"

"So it's that bad, huh?"

Yes, it was that bad but those were not news John needed to know right that second, he had to recover and he had to talk to a shrink. After that, they would take things one step at the time, and while he operated on his former intern, he had promised that he would be there every step of the way.

A side effect of getting stabbed, Carter thought, was that everything happened in slow motion. The action of the attacker, the feeling of the blade cutting and hurting, the blood pouring out of your body, and even the feeling of falling and despair. The psychiatrist had taken forever to go check on him and then aski all those routine questions. How was he feeling? Like crap. Was he in pain? Well, obviously. How did he feel about Paul Sobriki? He had no comment on that; his mind was still wrapping everything up. Did he feel guilty? Of course he did, how could he not?

It had been two days and they still wouldn't let him see her. Carter would just sit by the window and stare outside; his grandmother would talk his ear off and send greetings from his parents, who couldn't be bothered to get back from Europe. Doctors would come in and out, checking his meds, asking how he was feeling and bringing some, but not many, news about Lucy.

"It seems like you're never alone" – Gamma said as she entered the room, it must have been 2pm, she always visited at 2pm – "It's nice to see you've made good friends at your workplace."

"Did you ask if I could see her?" – Carter asked without even bothering to turn around, he didn't need anyone else telling him how terrible he looked and that he should eat more and get more sleep.

"I'll take you there after lunch." – Millicent Carter replied, if that would make her grandson start taking care of himself, then it could be arranged. – "But you have to eat John, you've lost weight and Dr. Benton says the meds you're taking are really strong."

As usual, Gamma had brought lunch from home, some chicken, rice, veggies and even dessert. It was the same thing as if he was eating hospital food only that the one Gamma brought had some flavor to it. Carter ate lunch and even had a spoonful of dessert but the idea of seeing Lucy for the first time after the attack – he refused to call it an accident – was making his stomach twist and turn.

At 2:30pm John stepped up from the couch and transferred to a wheelchair, his physical therapy session had been painful that morning and all his muscles were sore. Gamma pushed his chair all the way to the half opened door and stayed there – "It would feel like intruding" – she had said.

John pushed to door and slowly got into the room. She was off the respirator, as Dr. Weaver had told him that morning, but she looked so pale and fragile. Her hair was no longer soaked in blood so he could finally replace that mental image, the one of her lying down waiting for death to take her. He tried to fight the urge to look at her chart but couldn't help himself; he needed to know how bad her situation was.

"You're not allowed to do that, Carter"

John almost dropped the chart, he was not expecting company and he was not expecting Dr. Romano to be doing rounds.

"I… I know." – Carter said as he placed the chart back on its holder and took another look at Lucy, if she hadn't been so pale, one could have thought she was sleeping. – "How is she holding up?" – he finally asked.

"You read her chart, or does getting stabbed also compromises your memory and you have forgotten how to be a doctor?" – Dr. Romano paused, it seemed as if he was considering to apologize – "She's off the respirator, no more fevers, stable and in a comma but she's fighting, you can tell she is."

Robert Romano was the least emotional doctor in the hospital, he was cold as ice, rough as stone and could burn you down to ashes if you crossed his path but something in his voice gave away the soft spot he had for Lucy. He had been the one who kept pushing when Lucy went into cardiac arrest and Dr. Corday was about to give up, he had conducted the surgery and the nurses said that he had done all the stiches himself to minimize the scars.

"She's talented. She could be a great surgeon if she wanted to." – Dr. Romano said as he scribbled something on her chart – "You look awful Carter and she is the one who took the worst part, don't be a victim."

And with that, Robert Romano exited the room. Once more Carter took the chart and checked the signatures, Dr. Romano had logged his visits during every round and only God knew how many other times he had sat next to her bet waiting for her to wake up.

Gamma was waiting for him outside the room, if he didn't know her any better she would have said that she was praying but that was not likely.

"Did you talk to her?" – Gamma asked

"No" – Carter replied as he pushed his chair to his room, he had been there for an hour and felt exhausted, though he really didn't know why.

Gamma stayed for another hour, she always left at 4. As she was gathering her things and making sure John had everything he might need close by, she took a deep breath.

"You should talk to her John… you call her name in your sleep, maybe there's something you want or even need to tell her".


	2. Chapter 2

John was wide-awake and staring to the ceiling, his grandmother's words still ringing in his ears. Of course he wanted to talk to her, he needed to talk to her, but he just couldn't. What was he supposed to say? "I'm sorry that because of my negligence you got stabbed and are fighting for your life"?

Carter threw his legs over the bed and felt the floor for his slippers, he didn't know what he would say and he didn't know if the timing would be right but he knew that he had to see her. Every step he took brought a wave of pain to his back but it was bearable, the physical therapy was working and he had overheard Benton talking about discharging him soon.

The first thing he saw when he entered the room was the green lights from her monitor, the second thing he saw was a much needed chair. Unlike the first time he had been to her room, the chair was by the bedside and something told Carter that Dr. Romano had been there before him. John sat down and stared at Lucy, her face seemed less pale in the dark, he brushed her hand with his fingers, she felt warm and that made him feel warmer although it was snowing outside.

"Hi" – John whispered, he was half expecting her to stir and wake up but nothing happened – "I guess it's a good thing you're still… asleep because it'd be very weird if you decided to wake up right now. Not that I'm against you waking up right now it's just that…"

He grew silent and placed his hand on top of hers.

"I am so sorry Lucy. You were right, he needed psych attention and I just pushed you away. Gosh, I've pushed you away so many times for so many stupid reasons and now you're here and there is nothing I can do and I am so sorry." – Carter took a deep breath and tried to push back the tears that were pooling in his eyes – "Remember that time on the roof? When we talked about fighting a good fight? You've always done that and I admire that from you, you don't give up, you are a stubborn little girl… and I need you to keep fighting."

John wiped a single tear away and looked at her monitor, if that were a movie then she would have woken up by the end of his speech but there were no cameras rolling and her monitor just kept beeping. He stayed there in silence, just hearing the beep and with his hand on top of hers, he must have lost track of time and because when he opened his eyes the day was breaking.

"I'm not supposed to be here right now but I'll come back later today, I promise."

Slowly John stood up, pain running through his spine so bad that it made him break a sweat. His steps were clumsy and he was moving slowly but he kept placing one foot in front or the other until he reached his bed, then, completely exhausted, he went back to sleep. The nurses woke John up for another session of physical therapy and while he was having lunch with Gamma, who didn't have to ask him twice to eat his chicken, Dr. Weaver came into his room.

The conversation was short and pleasant, she brought greetings from everybody in the ER and good news, they had reviewed his case and he would be able to go home in two days. Of course, he still had a few more weeks of physical therapy ahead and it would be about a month before they let him go back to work but little by little he was moving on and continuing with his life. He smiled politely at Dr. Weaver, it felt wrong that he would be leaving soon when Lucy was still in a coma not very far away from his room, it felt wrong that he would be leaving her, again, even if he had only been by her side twice.

"I was expecting to see you more excited about going home, John" – Gamma said once Dr. Weaver had left the room. – "What is worrying you?"

"Going home… I'm worried I won't have the strength to come back here, that I will not be able to go back to work and do the only thing I'm good at. I'm worried that if Lucy wakes up and asks for me, I won't be here… I don't even know why she would ask for me. I'm worried that she might never wake up and that if she does that she might hate me. I'm worried that all my worries are selfish and there's not much I can do."

Gamma left her book on the chair and walked next to John's bed, she didn't take his hand; instead she pushed back the hair on his forehead and let her hand linger on his cheek. It had been years since she had done that, he had been a child the last time she had done that…

"You will be fine. The doctors say that your recovery has been quite impressive; your physical therapist says your back is getting stronger everyday, your body will heal but you need your soul to heal as well. If you expect her to forgive you, you have to forgive yourself first."

The room stayed silent for a couple of minutes, when the silence was too much to handle Gamma said something about getting coffee and left the room, it was past 4pm and she didn't look like she was leaving anytime soon, which was okay and not okay at the same time.

"Gamma, do you want me to talk about my feelings?" – John asked when she came back with a paper cup full of steamy hot liquid. – "Because I really don't want to talk about my feelings, mostly because I just feel empty… also because the part of me that doesn't feel empty feels guilty and finally because the only person I want to talk to about this can't really talk right now."

"I just want you to get things off your chest." – Gamma made a long pause and reached for his hand – "I met Lucy's mom a few minutes ago, she has been in Chicago for a few days and, well, she wants to talk to you."

For the second time in a week, John felt how fear ran through his body and paralyzed him. Her mother had the right to know what happened and why it happened, she had the right to hate him, blame him or even condemn him for his negligence. And John knew it; he also knew that she would show up sooner or later only that he was hoping for the later.

"Tell her… tell her she can come in whenever she wants." – John said has he sat straight in bed.

Five minutes later there was a soft knock on the door, a tiny blonde woman who couldn't be older than forty of forty-five walked in. She had the same eyes as Lucy, a deep shade of blue, and walked with her head held high even in the middle of her pain.

"Good afternoon Dr. Carter" – the woman said as she approached the bed.

"Hi Mrs. Knight" – John replied and broke eye contact, they looked too much alike. He heard Gamma make up some excuse as she left the room.

"It's nice to finally meet you… the circumstances… the circumstances are obviously not ideal but… I've heard so much about you." – Lucy's mom was lingering by the bed end, as if she didn't quite know is she should stand or sit.

John smiled politely at her, Lucy had never talked much about her family and she had only mentioned her mom a few times, saying how her main goal was to make her proud. He had always imagined that he'd meet Lucy's mom on her graduation date and that they would both be all smiles and puffed chests, he would even offer to take their picture; never in a thousand years could he have imagined that they would meet like this.

"I know you must be tired so I only have two questions for you, Dr. Carter" – Mrs. Knight said as she brushed away a stray of hair – "I just want to know if it hurt… and, well, if you think she has any chance of waking up. I know these are hard questions, I'm sorry but as a mother I just need to know what happened to her."

"Mrs. Knight if anyone should be apologizing it is me." – John said as he looked away – "We had a patient in the ER who Lucy thought was mentally unstable, I thought he was acting strange because of the pain… well, the E.R staff was celebrating Valentine's day and no one really noticed that the cake knife was missing… I was looking for Lucy when I decided to enter the exam room." – John paused, he hadn't talked to anyone about this since his mandatory psych evaluation.

"And then it happened… Dr. Romano told me that Lucy was attacked first and that you then came in a got attacked as well… I don't expect you to remember everything Dr. Carter but… did it hurt?" – Mrs. Knight voice turned into a whisper – "I must sound so dumb, of course it hurt, right?"

"It didn't" – John lied – "Everything happens so fast and then your body has this weird adrenaline rush that you really don't feel it until, well, in my case it was until they found me and moved me."

Mrs. Knight took a deep breath, she knew the injuries were different… and he knew that she was only thinking about all the pain her daughter had gone through in the time she had been left alone. John didn't know what to do, he wanted that conversation to be over but Lucy's mom had one more question and he owed her an answer.

"About her… her recovery, well, Lucy is one of the most stubborn persons I know." – he couldn't help but smile at this comment – "She is off the respirator and her body seems to be healing nicely, no more internal bleeding, no other signs of complications." – he took a deep breath, doctors were not supposed to speak unless they were sure about what they were saying and he wasn't sure about anything anymore. – "I think that if things keep looking up like this… that she still has a chance, it's been four or five days, I can't even remember… but if she wakes up today, tomorrow or even the day after tomorrow… I know she'll find a way to make it through."

Mrs. Knight stayed silent for a couple of minutes, then she started walking towards the door.

"Thank you very much for your time and answers, Dr. Carter" – she said.

"Mrs. Knight, I'm sorry, I am very sorry about all of this. But I promise you one thing, if she gets through this, if we get through this… I will never let anything bad happen to her ever again. You have my word on that."

Lucy's mom gave him a faint smile and kept walking. John turned on his side and stared out the window; it was snowing, Lucy loved snow.


End file.
